Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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