I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
