Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
