Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Your penis caused this!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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