after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
