When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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