I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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