pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
