Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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