I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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