At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
