the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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