I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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