He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
