Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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