I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
