i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
