FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
