I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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