i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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