I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
