he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
