chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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