I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
