I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
