Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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