you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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