I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
