for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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