Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
