if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
