This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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