I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize