I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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