That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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