Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
