Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
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The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
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Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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