I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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