I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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