if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
