I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
