So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
