just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
