I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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