So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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