i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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