But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
