I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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