My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
