I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
