Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
