my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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