I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
