I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
